Mobile Games,Apps,Themes: fun sms

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SMS SHYARI FOR U

Ummido ki shama dil me mat jalana,
is jahan se alag duniya mat basana,
aaj bas mood me tha to SMS kar diya,
par roj intezar me palke mat bichana!
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 148)

Is kadar hum yaar ko manane nikle, uski chahat ke hum deewane nikle, jab bhi use dil ka haal batana chaha, to uske hothon se waqt na hone ke bahane nikle...
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 156)

Aansuo ke girne ki aahat nahi hoti, Dil ke tootne ki awaaz nahi hoti, Agar hota khuda ko ehsaas dard ka, to use dard dene ki Aadat nahi hoti..
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 142)

Hamara har lamha chura liya aapne, aankhon ko ik chand dikha diya aapne. Hamein zindagi to di kisi aur ne, par pyaar itna dekar jeena sikha diya aapne.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 151)

Woh nadiyan nahi aansu they mere, jinpar woh kashti chalate rahe.
Manzil mile unhein yeh chahat thi meri, isliye hum aansu bahate rahe.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 136)

Tujhe bhoolkar bhi na bhool payenge hum, Bas yahi ek wada nibha payenge hum.
Mita denge khud ko bhi jahan se lekin, Tera naam dil se na mita payenge hum..
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 155)

Ye pyari nigahein yaad rahengi, milkar na milne ki ada yaad rahegi, mumkin nahi ki main tumhe bhula dun, aur umar bhar tumhe bhi meri yaad rahegi.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 146)

Tum mujhe kabhi dil kabhi aakhon se pukaro, Ye hothon ke taqaluf to zamane ke liye hain.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 88)

Dosti insan ki zaroorat hai, dilon pe dosti ki huqumat hai, aap ke pyar ki wajah se zinda hain warna khuda ko bhi hamari zaroorat hai.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 134)

Tu dekh ya na dekh, tere dekhne ka gham nahi, par teri ye na dekhne ki ada dekhne se kam nahi..
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 95)

Hasta huya dekh kar log kehte hain ke hum gam se khali hain, par unhe kya pata ke jo gam ke baag hain, hum us baag ke mali hain..
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 129)

Zuban khamosh, ankhon me nami hogi,

Yahi bas ek dastan-e-zindagi hogi,

Bharne ko to har zakham bhar jayega,

kaise bharegi wo jagah jaha Teri kami hogi.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 160)

Kabar ki mitti utha ke le gaya koi, isi bahane humein choo kar chala gaya koi, tanhayi aur andhere mein khush they hum, lekin phir se intezaar karne ki wajah de gaya koi..
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 171)

Dil to unke seene mein bhi machalta hoga..

husn bhi so-so rang badalta hoga..

Uthti hongi jab nagahein unki..

Khud "khuda" bhi gir-gir ke sambhalta hoga..
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 163)

Kadam kadam pe baharon ne saath chhoda, zaroorat padne par yaaron ne saath chhoda, vaada kiya sitaron ne saath dene ka, subah hone par sitaron ne bhi saath chhoda.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 163)

Khamoshiyan teri mujhse baatein karti hain, meri har aah har dard samajhti hain. Pata hai majbuur hai tu bhi aur main bhi, phir bhi aankhein tere deedar ko tarasti hain.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 169)

Mere haathon se gir gayi lakeeren kahin, bhool aaye hum apni takdeeren kahin. Agar mile tumko kahin to utha lena, mere hisse ki har khushi apne haathon pe saja lena.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 165)

Bolti hai dosti, chup rehta hai pyar. Hasati hai dosti, rulata hai pyar. Milati hai dosti, juda karta hai pyar. Phir bhi kyun dosti chodkar log karte hain pyar??
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 161)

Unki tasveer ko seene se laga lete hain, iss tarah judai ka gham mitaa lete hain. Kisi tarah zikar ho jaye unka, to hass kar bheegi palkein jhuka lete hain.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 156)

Bheeg jaati hain palkein tanhayi mein, darte hain koi jaan na le. Pasand karte hain tez barsaat mein chalna, kahi rote hue ko koi pehchaan na le.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 145)

Hum na hote to aapko gazal kaun kehta, apke chehre ko gulab kaun kehta,
Ye to karishma hai hum pyar karne walon ka warna pattharon ko Taj Mahal kaun kehta.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 156)

Ankhein khuli ho to chehra tumhara ho,
Aankhein bandh ho to sapna tumhara ho,
Mujhe maut ka dar na hoga,
Agar kafan ki jagah dupatta tumhara ho.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 147)

Pyara sa ehsas ho tum, har pal mere pas ho tum,
Jine ki ek aas ho tum, mann ka ek vishwas ho tum,
Shayad is liye.... Kuch khas ho tum.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 136)

Dil mein umeedo ki shamma jala rakhi hai,
Humne apni alag duniya basa rakhi hai,
Is umeed ke saath ki ayega SMS aapka,
Humne mobile par nazrein jama rakhi hein.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 163)

Unka ashiyana dil mein basa rakha hai,
Unki yadon ko seene se laga rakha hai,
Pata nahi yaad aate hain wohi kyun,
Vaise dost to hamne auron ko bhi bana rakha hai.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 165)

Baag ki har kali, khushbu de apko,
Suraj ki har kiran, nai subah de apko,
Hum to kuch dene ke kabil nahi hain,
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 112)

Zindagi behaal hai,
Sur hai na taal hai,
Msg box bhi kangal hai,
kya aapki sms factory me hartal hai,
Yaar kuch to bhejo ye meri mobile ki zindagi ka sawaal hai.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 165)

Hum dua karte hain Khuda se,
ki wo aap jaisa dost aur na banaye,
Ek Cartoon jaisi cheez hai humare paas,
kahin wo bhi common na ho jaye!
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 139)

Tere DIL mein rahenge SMS bankar,
Dhadkano mein bajenge RINGTONE bankar,
Kabhi apne DIL se juda mut Samajana,
Hum tere saath chalenge NETWORK ban.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 149)

Tere DIL mein rahenge SMS bankar,
Dhadkano mein bajenge RINGTONE bankar,
Kabhi apne DIL se juda mut Samajana,
Hum tere saath chalenge NETWORK bankar!
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 152)

Teri dosti mein khud ko mehfooz maante hain, hum doston mein tumhe sabse azeez maante hain. Teri dosti ke saaye mein zinda hain, hum to tujhe khuda ka diya hua tabeez maante hain.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 179)

Tu dekh ya na dekh, tere dekhne ka gam nahi,
Par teri ye na dekhne ki ada dekhne se kam nahi.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 94)

Aaj didar, kal yaar, parson pyaar,
phir ekrar, phir intezar, phir takrar,
phir darar, sari mehnat bekar,
aur aakhir mein ek aur devdas at beer bar.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 150)

Bazu-o-mein dum rakhta hun,
Dil mein gum rakhta hun,
Pata tha SMS ayega tera,
Isliye DISPRIN sang rakhta hun.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 112)

Dil ka dard dil todne wale kya jane,
Pyar ke rivazon ko zamana kya jane,
Hoti hai kitni takleef ladki patane mein,
Ye ghar pe baitha ladki ka baap kya jaane.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 160)

Aey mere SMS mere dost ke pass jana,
Agar wo so raha ho to shor mat machana,
Jab wo jage to dhire se 'Muskarana',
Phir kehna "KANJUS" SMS karo!
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 146)

Aahat si koi aaye to lagta hai ki tum ho,
Saya sa koi lehraye to lagta hai ki tum ho,
Ab tumhi batao tum kya kisi bhoot se kam ho?
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 132)

Kya lekar aaya tha?
Kya lekar jayega?
Mujhe SMS na karke zaalim,
Tu kitna chillar bachayega?
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 96)

Jab jab ghire badal teri yaad ayi,
Jab jhoom ke barsa sawan teri yaad ayi,
Jab-jab mein bhiga teri yaad ayi,
Ab raha nahin jata, Chatri Lauta de Bhai.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 153)

Vo aaj bhi hume dekh kar muskurate hain,
Vo aaj bhi hume dekh kar muskurate hain,
Yeh to unke bachche hee kaminey hain,
Jo Mama-Mama kehke bulaate hain.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 155)

ASCII SMS 3

()""() ()''''()
( ."o o", )I just wana give a HUG...
()""()"()
( ö)ö ) ..2a 'Special person' I dont get 2 see often,best wishes..
(Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 135)

(>"<)
("( ö, )") A HÜG
'( . ) tö ésé ür stréss
,,,,_
( _ _ ) A KìSS
(_ ö _) tò éasé ür paìn

.-. .-. & my
'. ' .' HÉÄRT
' . ' tö let U know ì Caré!!
(Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 167)

(é
_; (
(é

( )-
_; (
( )-

(é -
_; (
(é -

( ) -
_; (
( ) -

(é
_; (
(é I miss u Like Crazy
(Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 124)

('')....('')
( ' o ' )
('')--('')
(''''')-(''''')

o,,,,o
( 'o' )
> ''" <
( "' )( '" )
(Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 104)

O,,,o /),/)
( ' ; ' ) ( ' ; ' )
(,,)--(,,)(,,)--(,,)
U'n me forever..
and ever and ever!
(Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 97)

///////
( o o)
--ooO-( )-Ooo--
(Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 35)

----@"""""@----
-----( '-' )-----
---(#)MisU(#)---
-----(#) (#)-----

----@"""""@----
-----( '-' )-----
(#)This Much(#)
-----(#) (#)-----
(Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 155)

._________.
£/ ////______l
) /_(_)
/__/
(Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 46)

,.,.,
( 'c' )
>' <
KEM-CHHO?

,.,.,
('c' )
>' <
MAJA MA CHHO?

,..,
c" .)
>' <
TABIYAT PANI?

OK !

Toh sms karo nee baba !!
(Category: ASCII SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 186)

;****;
o( @..@ )o
"(---)"
Paichan kaun?

Bandar bi nai,

Monkey bhi nai,

Tumhare bachpan ki photo hai.
(Category: ASCII SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 122)

ASCII SMS 2

<< (",) Dis Ant is <( )> looking 4 u
,,J L,,
>> and he
(,") misses u a
/( )> lot
,,J L,,
//
(,")> WHY?
<( )' ,,J L,, coz ur such a HORNY DEVIL! (Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 157) ,** .. ( ö, )( ", ) ((")(")(")(") The nicest place in the 'world' is right beside someone like u. (Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 103) ("""""""""""")9mm /""'/&/"""""' / /I KILL PEOPLE """ FOR MONEY, (>"<) ( 'o' ) BUT YOU (,) (,) ARE MY (")_(") FRIEND, SO I KILL YOU FOR NOTHING!!!. (Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 155) Each time your name appears on my screen I smile like this: ,////////. __ . . __ ( c__________, ) "'-'LJI_II_ILJ'-'" c how u make me happy! (Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 147) ._I__I_, (_£___=------/ ._I__I_, ----\---- ,--<>--=____/7
(_£___=------/
._I__I_,

D0 I HAVE PERMISI0N TO MAKE AN EMERGENCY LANDIN IN UR BEDROOM 2NITE
(Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 168)

(((((( ))))))
(((( ö) (ö ))))
(((((; <._.> ;)))))
(((((( __, ))))))
Dont u ever send me your picture again! u scared me to death!
(Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 134)

) (
(__I_)

) (
(_I__)

) (
(__I_)

) (
(_I__)

I JUST WIPED MY ASS ON YOUR SCREEN!
(Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 108)

One ('""()
good ((")')
nite ("(,,)
Kiss for you....
* * ('""() Bye
* ("('o',) bye
* (")(")(,,) * *
Sweet Dreams !
(Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 123)

(. .) 18 YEARS
).(
( * )

( o o ) 25Y
) . (
( * )

( O O ) 35 Y
) o (
( * )

CHANGE WOMAN BEFORE LATE
(Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 118)

(",) FRiÉÑDS
(",) come & go,
c",)
('',)

(",)
c",)
(",)

(",)
c",)

c",) MÉ..?

c",) NEVER!
i'm here 4eva!
(Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 140)

ASCII SMS

( ' ) its ME! / /
( ) )

( ' )
/ /
( ) )

( ')
/ /
( ) /

(')
; /
( )'

(')
; )
(')

(é UR ANGEL
; ) IN
(é DISGUISE
(Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 136)

L
l
l
l
l,()
l , ö
l) "
l
l),()
lö, )
l),"
l
l,()
l , ö
l),"
l
l),()
lö, )
l),"
l
l,()
l , ö
l),"
l
l) Just checking
l,ö if ur alright l"
l cos i care.
(Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 177)

Q'''''''p HÉy!
( ü )@ Lükìn
o( )'/ 4 mé?
Ø ''' Ø

I knöw
Ü MìSS MÉ...

Büt téll ü söméthìng...

ì mìss ü möre.
(Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 123)

()"() i sent ü a
(. "o new ring
($"(,) tone...
..J pls wait!
()"()
('(ö )") prröööt!
( $" /===
./,%,/
haha..nice tone?nice smell...
(Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 147)

Come here, take off ur pants+get on top of me. Enjoy urself until u r fully statisfied.

Lovingly urs,
==
"'I____"TOILET"
-.t""""")
___(_
(Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 145)

.-. .-.-. .-.
! " ! " !
"-..-"'-..-" MY
SWEET HONEY!
(Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 55)

<) " (>
( . .) wen sum1
( o ) says ur >?< ugly,
<) " (> TELL
(è é) ,l EM 2
( o, )(' ') F*CK
>?< / / OFF!
(Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 111)

PRESENTING

/ /
(.)(.)
(.__.)
FLICK
()---()
I . _. I
( (o_, )
POOH

(o)(o)
(.___.)
KERMIT

AND...

,,,
Ö(._.)Ö
(---) YOU!!!
(Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 156)

(,),,(,)
I . .
( _o )
(,,)O-O(,,)
(,),,(,)
I . .
(=OoO(,,)
(,,)-""
(,),,(,)
I-ÖÖ(,,)
( _o )"
(,,)-"
(,),,(,)
I-ÖÖ hi! good
( ,_o ) day!!
(,,)(,,)
(Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 165)

()...()
(o o)
/ ( ..)
/""
(Category: ASCII SMS Language: English Characters: 32)

Is se pehle ki dilo me nafrat jaage, aao ek shaam mohabbat me bita di jaye.... Karke kuch mohabbat ki baatein, Is shaam ki masti badha di jaye.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 143)

Teri doori ka ehsaas jab satane laga. Tere sath guzra har lamha yaad aane laga. Jab bhi bhulane ki koshish ki. Tu dil ke aur karib aane laga.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 141)

Jab bhi kisi ko kareeb paya hai, kasam khuda ki wahin dhokha khaya hai. Kyon dosh dete hein hum kanto ko... Zakham to humne phulo se paaya hai.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 143)

Karoge yaad ek din is pyar ke zamane ko, chale jayenge jab hum kabhi na vapas aane ko. Chalega mehfil me jab zikr hamara koi, to tum bhi tanhayi dhundoge aansu bahane ko.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 170)

Mohobbat ka imtihan aasan nahi; pyar sirf pane ka naam nahi. Muddatein beet jati hain kisi ke intezaar mein, ye sirf pal-do-pal ka kaam nahi.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 141)

Teri berukhi ko bhi rutba diya humne. Pyar ka har farz ada kiya humne. Mat soch ke hum bhool gaye hain tujhe; aaj bhi khuda se pehle tujhe yaad kiya humne.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 155)

Tanhai bhari zindagi ka safar mila; na saathi, na humsafar mila. Hum diya jalta chhod gaye the unke liye; jab vapis lote to jalta hua ghar mila.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 144)

Na jaane tum pe itna yakin kyon hai? Tera khayal bhi itna haseen kyon hai? Suna hai Pyar ka dard meetha hota hai; to aankh se nikla ye aansu namkeen kyon hai?
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 158)

Sabhi ko sabh kuch nahi milta, nadi ki har lehar ko sahil nahi milta, yeh dil walon ki dunia hai dost, kisi se dil nahi milta to koi dil se nahi milta.
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 151)

Mohabbat mein laakhon zakham khaye humne, afsos unhe hum par aitbar nahi, mat pucho kya gujarti hai dil par, jab vo kehte hai hame tumse pyar nahi..
(Category: Shayari SMS Language: Hindi Characters: 148)

GENERAL SMS JOKES

☻Abracadabra
Nope, ur still ugly!

☻Ths msg cn only B read by a SEXY person:
Nothing? Sorry, I guess UR just not SEXY… Hey! Dnt force it ugly, get lost!

☻2 cows in a field. 1 cow says 'Hv U hrd about ths mad cow disease?'
T oTr thinks & replies 'Yep but it doesn't affect us rabbits.'

☻T Japanese hv banned all animal movements after discovering droppings in T Bdding in 2kyo.
Ty Blieve it could B a case of Fu2n Mouse.

☻Hw do U occupy an idiot?
Press down - Press up!

☻2 men R fishing. A funeral march goes by. T 1st man places his h@ on his chest. 2nd man says ''Th@'s nice.
1st man says 'It's T least I cn do. We wr married for 25 years.'

☻Y did T farmer win a noBl prize?
Bcoz he was out st&ing in his field!

☻Y did T jelly baby go 2 school?
Bcoz it wanted 2 B a smarty.

☻Wht do U cll a dog with no legs?
It doesn't m@ter wot U cll him, he ain't gonna cum.

☻For sale complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 74 volumes. Good condition. £1,000 ONO.
No longer needed, got married, T wife knows eVthing!

☻I went 2 by sum camouflage trousers T oTr day
But I cdnt find NE.

☻Y did T cnnibal rush over 2 T cafeteria?
He hrd children wr half price.

☻Y dnt lobsters shR?
Bcoz Ty're shellfish.

☻I'm an alien I've transformed in2 Ur ph1 & as U're reading ths I'm having sex with Ur finger.
I know U like it Bcoz I cn C U smiling!

☻T jogger who overslept found himself running...
l@e.

☻A girl ph1d me T oTr day & said 'Come no over, Tre's nobody home'.
I went over. Nobody was home.

☻Woman asks a barman 'Cn I hv a double entendre please?'
so T barman gave her 1.

☻2 aerials meet on a roof - fell in love & got married.
T ceremony was terrible, but T reception was brilliant!

☻I had a ploughman's lunch T oTr day.
He wasn't V happy.

☻Y dnt c@s shv?
Coz 80% prefer Whiskers!

☻Wht do U cll a vicar on a mo2r bike?
Rev.

☻Did U hear about T Dutch man with T infl@able shoes?
He popped his clogs!

☻Chelsea signed 2 players from Icel&.
Ranieri said 'If Ty R no good he wll try Sainsburys.

☻Hw do U communic@e with a fish?
Drop it a line.

☻Wht do elephants hv for dinner?
An hour, just like T rest of T animals.

☻Hw does Bob Marley like his s&wiches?
Wi jammin.

☻Wht do U cll a triple barrel shotgun?
A trifle.

☻Wht do U cll a h&cuffed man?
Trus2rthy.

☻Wht do Mexicns hv under Tir carpets?
Underlay! Underlay!

☻Wht's T maximum penalty of bigamy?
2 moTrs-in-law.

☻Wht do U get if U cross a skunk with a boomerang?
A bad smell U cnt get rid of.

☻Wht's T fastest cake in T world?
Sc1.

☻Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense?
I'll tel U l8r.

☻Y R dumb blonde jokes all 1-liners?
So men cn underst& Tm.

☻Wot do U do if a blonde throws a grenade @ U?
Take T pin out & throw it back.

☻Hv U hrd about T magic trac2r?
It went down a country road & turned in2 a field.

☻I want 2 die peacefully in my sleep like my gr&f@her…
not screaming in terror like his passengers!

☻Spell hungry horse in 4 letters.
M T G G.

☻I used 2 like trac2rs...
...but now I'm an extrac2r fan.

☻My wife dresses 2 kill
T only problem is th@ she cooks in T same manner.

☻Wht did 1 magnet say 2 T oTr magnet?
I find U V @tractive.

☻Hw do U kp an idiot amused?
W@ch ths message until it goes away!

☻Tre wr 2 cows in a field - Daisy & MaBl.
D: 'I've bn artificially insemin@ed.'
M: 'I dnt Blieve U!'
D: 'Straight up, no bull!'

☻Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But don't worry...
I'm sure science Will come up With something To help you.

☻How to impress a woman: compliment her, kiss her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her
How to impress a man: Show up naked, bring beer

☻There are 4 animal species a woman needs in her life: Jaguar in her garage, mink in her closet, tiger in her bed!
And of course adonkey to pay her bills!!

☻The average woman would rather have beauty than brains,
because the average man can see better than he can think

☻Brain Search: Brain detector activated, calibrating, now searching.........still searching......get a good grip of your gsm....
still searching.......no brains found

☻Why did they call it PMS?
Mad cow disease was already taken!

☻Mary had a little lamb
The doctor fainted!!!

☻When a man talks dirty 2 a women, its sexual harassment
when a women talks dirty 2 a man, its £3.95 per minute!

☻Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, spontaneous, good-looking, nice friends, charming, funny
well...Enough about ME! How about you?

☻I Want triplets you want twins....
Lets get in bed and see who wins

☻Hello I am a virus and I am entering your brain right now...
Sorry I am leaving now, I can't find a brain

☻Yesterday night I lay on my bed looking at the stars, then I wondered...
Hey, where on earth IS MY ROOF!

☻I wanted to send you something that would make you smile...
But the postman told me to get out of the mailbox

☻Drive carefully:
90% of people in this world are caused by accidents...

☻God made man and then rested,
God made women and then no one rested

☻Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
It's like when dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving

☻blonde is on 1 side of a lake and yells 2 another blonde across the lake, 'How do I get 2 the other side?'
The other blonde yells back, 'U R on the other side!'

☻How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner

☻What do u call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1987 world hide and seek champion

☻What do 7'tall basketball players do in their off season?
Go to the movies and sit in front of you

☻Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went it would be hell

☻Why can't men get Mad Cow's Disease?
Because they are pigs

☻How many letters are in the Alphabet?
Nineteen. Because ET went Home on a UFO and the FBI went after him!

☻What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop

☻How do you keep an idiot in suspense............??
Tell you later........

☻Why don't blondes talk whilst having sex?
Because their mums told them not to talk to strangers!

☻Never let a man's mind wander,
It's too little to be out on it's own!!!!

☻What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
Tarzipan!

☻Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?
No you can have turkey like everyone else !

☻Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey - he's always stuffed !

☻We had grandma for Christmas dinner?
Really, we had turkey!

☻This turkey tastes like an old settee.
Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing.

☻What does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards?
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (No-L !!)

☻Why did the blond woman sneak past the pharmacy?
She didn't want to wake the sleeping tablets!

☻The average woman would rather have beauty than brains...
Because the average man can see better than he can think

☻What's the difference between Bigfoot and intelligent men?
Big foot has been spotted a few times

☻What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar?
Ok you 2, don't start anything.

☻Two blondes were driving to Disney Land when they saw a sign that read, "Disney Land left"
So they turned round and went home.

☻Drink until she's cute
But stop before the wedding!

☻Guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken.
The waiter replies 'nothing special - we just flat out tell 'em they're gonna die'.

☻He said: "I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it."
She said: "You wear underpants, don't you?"

☻What's the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need; a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

ONE LINERS SMS JOKES

☻Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you?

☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

☻How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up...Press Down...!

☻***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for £1
... No Strings attached
...but for a limited period ONLY!
...A bloody good deal!

☻Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H

☻FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated...calibration complete, now searching.....still searching....still searching......sorry, no friends found.

☻Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I'll tel U l8r.

☻Press down..More...Ok more...WOW yes ahh ohh yes....almost there....oh god harder..faster..FEELS GOOD...oh goddd!...That's how I sex on text!

☻Ths msg cn only b read by a SEXY person -
Nothing? Soz, I guess UR just not SEXY But hey, i Didnt force it ugly, so get lost!

☻I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!

☻Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

☻HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good lookin...so where you gonna hide ME?

☻This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you're too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it. Thank you

☻Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?

A: There is a stamp on it.

☻A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone

☻Why'd they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!

☻I went to ur house justnow - can't enter cos door says *CUTE FOLK NOT ALLOWED* - pls take sign down next time ok!

☻Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

☻Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

☻I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.

☻How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.

☻Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too...

☻U got Sex Appeal...U got Class...U got Moves...U got da Face, da Body....shit...I got wrong number...SORRY :)

☻I need a kiss, I need touched, I need your love, I need warmth, I need hugs, I need sex, I need YOU!

☻On the cellphone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key.

☻The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

☻Nope.....u still ugly!

☻Y did the jelly baby go 2 school? Cuz he wanted to be a smarty.

☻What u call dog with no legs? Don't matter wot u call him, he ain't gonna come.

☻Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.' Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.'

☻Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But hey, no worries - I sure science will come up with somin to help u.

☻I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice Ass.

☻How to impress woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her
How to impress a man: Show up naked with beer.

☻How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away!

☻It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

☻Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!

☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

☻You are here: X

☻Hickory Dickory Dock, dis bitch woz suckin me c**k, da clock struck 2, i dumped me goo, & dropped her at da end of da block.

☻In Ikea they have a Shelf storage system called Nob - So that's the only shop you can go into and ask the assistant to wheel your Nob to the car cuz it's too heavy.

☻Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

☻Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an asshole!

☻Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.

☻Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?

A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.

☻What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok u 2, don't start anything.

☻Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?

☻Bud, what happen??? tried callin many time, everytime i get operator sayin 'Sorry, The Subscriber U R Calling is having Sex, Please try again later.'

☻Bloke calls work : "Boss, cannae come in tae work. I'm sick"
Boss asks: "How sick are u?"
Bloke: "I'm F****ing my Sis, how sick is that???"

☻Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and lets play that game!

☻Roses are red, Pickles are green, I like ur legs and all that's between!

☻I like your style, you got sheer class, but babe, my god, I WANT YOUR ASS!

☻Hey, there is Hot-sex, Group-sex, safe-sex, phone-sex, speedy-sex, crazy-sex and for people wid ur face - NO SEX!

☻When an apple is green, it's ready to pluck, When a girl is sixteen she's ready to ..WOOPS...wrong number....

☻U good at math? Well, add a bed, subtract ur cloths, divide ur legs and we can multiply!

☻Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move.

☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

☻Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper - use both sides.

☻I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

☻I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check.

☻The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

☻There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

☻Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

☻You may be recognized soon. Hide.

☻Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

☻He who laughs last thinks slowest.

☻Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

☻I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.

☻Is somebody not editing what I'm saying here???

☻Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

☻If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

☻You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.

☻My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch

☻If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me

☻Mind intentionally left blank...

☻I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem

☻Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

☻Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

☻If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

☻Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.

☻If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

☻The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.

☻It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times.

☻Born Free........Taxed to Death.

☻We will now upgrade your brain, please wait...searching...searching...still searching...sorry NO BRAIN found

☻I remind u that the most powerful force in the universe is sms gossip.

☻Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.

☻My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.

☻Hi - I am a virus and am entering your brain right now...wait, hold on, sorry unable to find brain...leaving now...

☻Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.

☻What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

☻Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

☻Celibacy is not hereditary

☻Familiarity breeds children

☻Life is sexually transmitted

☻We do precision guesswork

☻Born free . . . Taxed to death

☻If it's too loud, you're too old

☻Common sense isn't common

☻Nothing succeeds like excess

☻Do pilots take crash-courses?

☻If it ain't broke, fix it until it is

☻The older I get, the older old is

☻Relax, its only Ones and Zeros

☻A closed mouth gathers no feet

☻Do witches run spell checkers?

☻I don't get even . . . . . I get odder

☻Allow me to introduce my selves

☻A feature is a bug with seniority

☻If I throw a stick, will you leave?

☻Justice: A decision in your favor

☻Strip mining prevents forest fires

☻A waist is a terrible thing to mind

☻Do not disturb. Already disturbed

☻Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

☻Today's subliminal message is . . .

☻Demons are a Ghouls best Friend

☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

☻Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.

☻Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.

☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

☻First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.

☻Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

☻Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.

☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school.

☻Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!

☻Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

☻Fuck Me...are those real?

☻Be unique and different, just say yes.

☻Can I flirt with you?

☻Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.

☻Do you know karate? Cos damn it honey, your body is really kickin.

☻Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.

☻Umh, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?

☻Darling, I'm new in this town - dya think I could have directions to your house.

☻I hope you know CPR, cos you take my breath away!

☻I've got the ship, you've got the harbour ... what say we tie up for the night?

☻I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.

☻If you don't wanna have kids with me, then why don't we just practice?

☻Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?

☻That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed.

☻Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good.

☻A hangover is the wrath of grapes

☻Everyone is entitled to my opinion

☻If it ain't chocolate, it ain't dessert

☻I don't work here. I'm a consultant

☻Out of Body. Back in Five Minutes

☻The best things in life aren't things

☻I like feminists; I think they're cute

☻I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable

☻Does killing time damage eternity?

☻How can there be self-help groups?

☻"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy

☻BIGAMIST --- A heavy fog in Italy

☻Have a nice day. . . somewhere else

☻Guilt -- the gift that keeps on giving

☻Exceptions always outnumber rules

☻Adults are just kids who owe money

☻All stressed out and no one to choke

☻Constipated people don't give a crap

☻I may not be perfect, but I'm all I got

☻Where there's a will, I want to be in it

☻Anything not nailed down is a cat toy

☻Never miss a good chance to shut up

☻All computers wait at the same speed

☻Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

☻How do you get off a non-stop flight?

☻How come night falls but day breaks?

☻How do I set the laser printer to stun?

☻If we quit voting will they all go away?

☻Is it time for your medication or mine?

☻INSTANT HUMAN (Just Add Coffee)

☻I'm not getting older...I'm getting bitter

☻When all else fails manipulate the data

☻I'm as confused as a termite in a yo-yo

☻Insanity is my only means of relaxation

☻No guts, no glory, no brain, same story

☻Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw

☻I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert

☻I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier

☻When money talks, the criminal walks

DECENT SMS JOKES

☻ KNOWING YOURSELF

Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

☻ WHO YOU TRUST

There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

☻ GRATEFUL

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

☻ WASTING YOUR TIME

Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

☻YOUR SMILE

Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

☻ YOU CAN'T...

The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

☻ BEAUTIFUL MOON

I look at the moon, the moon is beautiful... I look at you.. I.. I... I'd rather look at the moon again.. ;)

☻ TYPE OF EGGS

There r 6 types eggs. Chicken egg = ji dan, Duck egg = ya dan, Bomb = zha dan, Person readin dis = hun dan, if u r smilin nw = chun dan & if angry = ben dan.

☻ VALUE OF LIFE

The value of life does not depend on the length of time on this Earth but rather on the amount of love given and shared to the people we care about.

☻ MEN!

Mental anxiety, Mental breakdowns, Menstrual cramps, Menopause... Did you ever notice how all problems begin with MEN!

☻ FRIENDSHIP MEANS...

I want u 2 know that our friendship means a lot 2 me. U cry, I cry. U laugh.. I laugh. U jump out of d window.. I look down n then.. I laugh again.. hahaha

☻ HEARTBREAKS

Heartbreaks will last as long as you want and Cut as deep as you allow them to go. The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them.

FUNNY SMS JOKES

☻We will now upgrade your brain, please wait....Searching....searching...still searching....sorry,NO BRAIN found...!

☻I'M AN ALIEN. I HAVE JUST TRANSFORMED MYSELF INTO THIS TEST. AS YOU ARE READING I'M HAVING SEX WITH YOUR EYEBALLS. I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE SMILING

☻All the love that history knows is said to be in every rose!Yet all the love that could be found in two, is less than what I feel for you.

☻If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

☻When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

☻Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.

☻Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.

☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

☻First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.

☻Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

☻Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma. And after sex? boy, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise!

☻Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.

☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school.

☻Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!

☻Sex is like programing; One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE…

☻Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. And you wish you could just pluck them from your dreams......

☻My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too...

☻Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? ...Okay, then can we just practice?

☻I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

☻Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole…

☻If you wanna be a hipi, put you flower in your pipi…

☻Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it!

☻Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis...........................ERROR: Your penis was not found! Sorry..............

☻Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!

☻It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

☻God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

☻CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

☻Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

☻This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

☻Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

☻I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!

☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

☻Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

☻Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

☻I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

☻There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

☻What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

☻What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

☻I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

☻A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

☻Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

☻What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

☻Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

☻Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

☻What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

☻The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

☻Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

☻WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

☻What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.

☻Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

☻Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

☻What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!

☻What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors

☻Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?

A: Her IQ goes up.

☻Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

☻Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

☻I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.

☻I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.

☻How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

☻For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.

☻What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

☻Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.

☻Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.

☻Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!

☻What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!

☻What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.

☻How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

☻Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

A: We don't know. Never happens.

☻Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?

A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.

☻Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?

A: An f****ing know it all.

☻ A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

☻ Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

☻ I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

☻ Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.

☻ What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...

☻I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

☻ It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

☻ I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

☻ Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.

☻ You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

☻ I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

☻ My Reality Check bounced.

☻ Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

☻ Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.

☻ Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!

☻Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

☻Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?

☻There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

☻Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back

☻As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing

☻Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

☻What do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy.

☻What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant

☻Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

☻A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

☻Why don't men often show their true feelings?
- Because they don't have any. 1

☻What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
- E.T. phoned home.

☻What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.

☻A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

☻Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering

☻How Dogs and Women are alike.....
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
Both put too much value on kissing.

☻Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

☻If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight?

☻Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"

☻If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?

☻Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives.

☻I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.

☻I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.

☻Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.

☻A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a "double entendre" - so he gave her one!

☻Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

☻A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

☻A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

☻A dyslexic man walks into a bra

☻A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

☻A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

☻Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

☻I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

☻Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv.. another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

☻God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

☻CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

☻Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

☻This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

☻Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

☻I want to suck you.. lick you.. wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!

☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

☻Don't spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

☻Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

☻I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

☻There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

☻What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

☻What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

☻I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

☻A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

☻Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

☻What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

☻Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

☻Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

☻What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

☻The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

☻Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

☻WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

☻What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.

☻Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

☻What do Germans use for birth control?
Their personalities!

☻Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

☻What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!

☻What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One fucked the miners, the other fucked the Majors

☻Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?

A: Her IQ goes up.

☻Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

☻Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

☻I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.

☻What do you get if you cross an Irishman with a German?
A man who's too drunk to follow orders.

☻I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.

☻How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

☻For sale : Air Bags, Used once.

☻What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

☻What's the definition of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.

☻Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.

☻What's pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!

☻What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!

What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.

☻How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

☻Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

A: We don't know. Never happens.

☻Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?

A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.

☻Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?

A: An fucking know it all.

☻A chicken sandwich walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

☻Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

☻Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

☻I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

☻Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.

☻What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...

☻Q: How did the Pollack burn his face?

A: Bobbing for french fries.

☻Q: What's difference between Yogurt and Australia?

A: One has a real live culture.

☻Q: What's diff between Michael Jackson and grocery bag?
A: Ones white, made outta plastic and dangerous for kids to play with. The other you carry groceries in.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Fanny.
Fanny who?
Fanny the way you keep saying 'Who's there? Every time I knock.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
A midget who cant reach the doorbell.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry, Butch, and Jimmy.
Harry, Butch and Jimmy who?
Harry up, Butch your arms around me, and Jimmy a kiss.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive across the road.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mummy.
Mummy who?
Mummeasles are better so can I come in?

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
There's no need to cry, it's only a joke.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Madam.
Madam who?
Madam key broke in the lock.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I called by?

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mister.
Mister who?
Mister last bus home.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor sore hand from knocking so much.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
York.
York who?
York coming over to my place tonight?

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Isabel.
Isabel who?
Isabel broken? I had to knock.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it's cold out here.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Aunt.
Aunt who?
Aunt you glad Grandma's gone?

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris locked - that's why I knocked.

☻friendship is like peeing in your pants. every1 can c it but only u can feel its true warmth.thank u 4 being the pee in my pants xxxx

☻(_!_)An arse (__!__)Fat arse (!)Tight arse (_?_)Dumb arse (_*_)Sore arse (_zzz_)Tired arse (_E=mc2_)Smart arse (_x_)Kiss my arse!!

☻He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading. Since he was virus free he slotted his floppydisk into her hotmail she screamed yahoo!

☻Today its cool to have small cars and small computers.Soon it will be cool to have a small penis too.then you my friend will be THE MAN!!

☻Viagra now available in eye drops, you don't get an erection but you look hard!

☻T-MOBILE regrets 2 inform u that the network has gone down on everyone except u.We regret 2 inform u that no one would go down on u.not even a network

☻I only have SEX on days that begin with T: Thanksgiving. Tuesday. Thursday. Today. Tomorrow. Thaturday. thunday.. Tevery day!